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Although studies vary research has shown that almost 60 per cent of men and over 45 per cent of women will cheat at some point in their marriages. Affairs affect 1 out of every 2.7 couples which is almost one third of us all.

The toughest ordeal in a break-up of a marriage is dealing with a partner's affair. Sadly, most people leave because there is another person involved and very few people leave a long established relationship to be on their own. They leave to be with the other person and the different way of life that they offer. Many partners who wander will deny the truth and continue with the deceit for as long as they can get away with it. With time the lies get easier and just roll off the tongue. This causes uncertainty and confusion in the faithful partner and they feel a sense of guilt when their cheating partner is incandescent about the way they are being interrogated.

To be left for someone else and lied to in the process is deeply humiliating and the feeling of betrayal is huge. It is not easy to explain the catastrophic emotions you go through. Your life is turned upside down. Not only is your relationship over but you are having to deal wlth the rollercoaster of emotions such as shock, jealousy, heartache and deep sadness, to name but a few. How will you trust anyone ever again? What will the ramifications be for your children family and friends. You feel like such a fool.

At the same time, you have so many hamster wheel questions going round and round in your mind. You would like answers, but you doubt the answers will be the truth because the jilter has lied about so much for a long period of time.

One of the questions will be: Why?

Why do people have affairs?

There are many reasons why people have affairs and no reasons are the same as relationships are individual. The reasons are one or more of the follows:

• A set of circumstances occurred and they went along with it
• The partner who strays wants to try something new
• They no longer communicate with their partner
• They feel stuck in a rut
• They are worried about ageing
• They wonder if there is more to life
• The see the affair as a form of escape from the stress of personal or professional problems which they do not wish to face
• They are open to flattery and attention and like having their ego stroked
• They do not consider the consequences of their actions and his only gets worse the longer the deceit goes on
• The believe the grass is greener elsewhere and they are bored with the existing relationship
• They want to have their cake and eat it and they think that it will not have an effect on their current relationship
• They do not think the affair will be discovered
• They enjoy the chase and the element of novelty
• They feel that they can re-live he excitement of their youth

Affairs are devastating and create chaos and destruction. Relationships are based on trust and mutual respect both of which are completely destroyed when one party has an affair. I believe that a relationship can never get back to what it once was after an affair. The chain of trust has been broken.

That being said, if my client and their partner feel that the relationship is worth salvaging as there is too much at stake to lose, then who am I to judge. However, if the reason is purely because of the powerful ernotion of fear of being alone, then this is definitely not a good reason to take a partner back.

Deciding to break-up or not has to be the right decision for YOU. Do not allow others to influence your decision one way or another. Be honest with yourself and take your time. Communication is key. Discuss where you feel there are discrepancies in the marriage. Talk about how you have got to this point in the relationship. Get all of your grievances out in the open in order to rebuild solid foundations again. Learn to enjoy each other's company by taking up a new hobby together and going on dates as a couple.

If you come to the decision that you deserve better and the relationship is truly over then the process of healing can truly begin. Be comforted in the knowledge that as one door closes another one opens and when it does, your life will be even better than it was before.

Wriiten by Paula Crowhurst Divorce & Separation Coach.
Visit www.divorceseparationcoach.co.uk for further information.

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