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The Ever-Changing Demands of Parenting After Divorce - Reflections on 11 years of Co-Parenting |
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When I divorced in 2006, at the age of 30 and with two kids then aged 3 and 7, I recall my overriding feelings being of fear and uncertainty. As I considered my future as a parent and as an individual, I didn’t know how things would unfold and could only contemplate the loss of things I’d previously taken for granted in my life, most worryingly my role as a parent to my kids.
In parting from my wife, I hadn’t been focused on my work and I found myself out of work too. It was a challenging time, but when a new job came up around 200 miles away from my now ex-wife and kids, but close to my family I took it as a sign that it was where I was meant to be as I began to build my new life.
I was determined not to lose my place in the kids’ lives and so would drive around 1000 miles per week, fetching them on a Friday and returning them on a Sunday night, for 3 weekends in 4. It served a number of useful purposes both in maintaining my contact with the girls (as much as possible) whilst also reaffirming their importance in my life, but it was blatantly apparent that it couldn’t last. At least 6 hours of our weekend ‘quality time’ were spent in the car and the costs of fuel and keeping my car on the road, combined with the toll the driving was taking on me physically, meant that something had to give.
It was around this time that my ex and I discussed the idea of co-parenting. With around 18 months since our parting for some of the hurt and anger to abate, we both remained committed to raising the girls and playing an active part in their childhood; although our relationship as husband and wife was over, our mutual relationship as parents to our kids would last for all time.
Following some logistical discussions, a job and house search and another move back to our former home town, in October 2007 we started co-parenting and have done so since then, each fulfilling the role of parent in residence for alternate weeks.
Our eldest recently passed the age of 18 and will soon leave home for university, prompting a lot of reflection on the events of the past 11 years.
We’ve all grown significantly in our lives after divorce of our family, we’ve learned a lot and enjoyed many highs and just as many lows as any family, separated or otherwise would face. Both my ex and I have each, co-habited with a new partner who we’ve ultimately become engaged to, and in both cases those relationships have failed. We’ve each maintained a separate home in our former home-town, and ultimately have each re-married.
Through that time, we have always remained committed to jointly raising our daughters to the end of their schooling, and co-parenting them in the same town that they’ve always lived in. For the last year, we’ve co-parented them from a single home in an arrangement known as ‘Nesting’; the kids remain living in an apartment full-time and their Mum and I come and go for alternate weeks using a third bedroom equipped as a hotel room, living-in as resident parent of the week.
It’s an unconventional way of living, but it seems to suit the girls well and both our new partners seem to accept it as part of delivering on our parenting commitments to the girls.
What I wanted to share in this article, aside from this background and context, are some of the lessons that I’ve learned in 10+ years of parenting since divorce. I don’t think these relate solely to co-parenting but instead believe that they apply to most parents after divorce.
1) Kids will always adapt to changes in circumstances, no matter how concerned you are about the impact of your divorce on them and their lives. Kids are remarkably resilient, way more perceptive than we give them credit for and resilient beyond belief. This isn’t of course a license to chop and change things whenever it suits you, nor should you underestimate the importance of structure and routine to kids of all ages as a means of bringing stability to their worlds. However, it seems to me that many parents are fearful that their divorce will forever knock-on to the confidence, contentedness and accomplishments of their kids and time has taught me that they will adapt, bounce-back and even thrive in life provided that you keep their interests and your own at heart.
2) You cannot make the kids adapt any quicker than they naturally want to. While kids are adaptable and accommodating to change in their lives brought about by divorce, it is pointless to try and force them to adapt any quicker than they naturally will do. You may go out of your way to create an amazing new bedroom for them in your new home, take them on exciting holidays or plan weekends of entertainment for them when they’re in your custody. If you’re doing these things to win favour or to get them to adapt to separated family life any quicker, you’re wasting your time. Like adults, kids take time to work things through and adapt to their new realities. I’m quite certain that it took my kids a long while to get used to seeing me at weekends while living away. Even though the co-parenting setup was infinitely better for all involved, it still took them time to adapt to that too. The same has been true as I’ve remarried and brought two step-siblings into their lives. In each change to your parenting structure over time, expect a period of adaptation that will take as long as it takes.
3) Being a single parent (even if you find a new partner at some stage) demands you to fulfil many additional roles you wouldn’t otherwise have to. You must embrace this fact rather than seek to get through it. Even though my kids have always had the regular and ongoing input from both a Mum and a Dad, I’ve been required to fill a fair share of the roles that a Mum would fill in a non-separated family. I doubt any Dad feels instantly equipped to shop for tights, sanitary products or training bras without support, but I’ve had to learn and deal with it, and the girls have never had an issue with making such requests of me. I guess it’s also encouraged a closer relationship with more open communication between us than I might have expected if I’d not divorced their mother and I’m grateful for that.
4) Always be respectful of your ex and don’t make your kids a go-between to them. In the aftermath of divorce when communications are strained, it can be tempting to make the kids the messengers between you and your ex. As kids get older, they become even more sensitive to their unusual family set-up and aware of what it means for you to be talking disrespectfully of your ex, their other parent. They are also more likely to relay things to the other parent, particularly if they think it will further their own agenda. At all times, it’s far preferable to speak respectfully to and of them, if only for the benefit of your kids.
5) Your kids just want you to be happy. Even if this means you meeting someone else, you will likely find that your kids recognise that if you’re happy in yourself, it makes you a happy and effective parent to them. Your kids love you and as they get older will likely encourage you to pursue your own happiness too, even if it results in the unconventional scenario where they’re offering you dating advice!
6) Protecting the sanctity of your separated family structure is key. As you move forwards in life, and as you enter into new relationships it is ESSENTIAL that you protect the sanctity and structure of your parenting arrangement from outside commentary and influence. Too often I see scenarios where previously effective separated family structures will crumble when a new partner comes onto the scene and takes issue with the kids and/or the close contact that one divorced parent has with the other. Even if the divorced relationship isn’t that amicable, a jealous new partner can take issue with your ongoing contact and damage the setup irrevocably which is not in anybody’s best interests (other than their own). It happened in my life with the aforementioned failed engagement and I’m lucky that there was no lasting damage to my relationship with my ex.
7) Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out and everything is ticking along, something else will change. Like all phases of parenting from when the kid starts sleeping through, teething ends, and the terrible-twos become a distant memory, with the ending of one phase of challenges a new one will begin. Teenage hormones will rage, manipulations and tantrums will become more complex, calculated and sophisticated. Life will move forwards, you will move on, your kids will grow and become their own people. Don’t despair that things change, instead embrace that fact, particularly when you’re weathering a period of difficulty!
As I reflect on life as a parent since divorce, I’m proud of how far we’ve come, how my fears at the outset were seemingly unfounded and on the surface it would seem that my kids have come through it well. They’re both well-adjusted, popular with their peers, academic high-achievers and balanced young women (and I realise I’m biased as their Dad!)
For the purposes of objectivity though, I’d add that each time I think I’ve got it all figured out, something else comes up to challenge my self-congratulation and prove me wrong for getting complacent about it. This is a common thread of parenting though, whether after divorce or not.
The most significant reflection from these past 10+ years is that while I was full of trepidation and uncertainty at the outset of life after divorce, it’s a simple fact that we are all constantly going through a process of change and evolution in life. It’s what makes us who we are, it prompts us to grow, develop and strive for the things we strive for.
As I remind myself (when lamenting my latest challenge to my parents), the role of parenting and raising your kids never really ends anyway, so divorced or not, we’re all in it for the long-haul!
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