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Is it Possible to Forgive Your Ex? |
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Your partner has left you for somebody else or just turned around one day and declared that they don’t love you anymore and that they are leaving. You feel a myriad of emotions; you’re hurt, disappointed, confused and apprehensive for the future. You may feel devastated, heartbroken or even that life isn’t worth living anymore. Then gradually those hurt feelings start to turn to anger, bitterness and rage and all you can think about is revenge and retaliation.
Although this is a perfectly normal development it is far from ideal if it persists. In the face of such strong, negative feelings, it can be hard to cooperate, participate fully in mediation or co-parent.
When a divorce gets off to a bitter start, it can quickly spiral downwards and end up being an out and out war. A long drawn out process where ultimately nobody wins. And this endless stream of battles can result in tens of thousands of pounds in legal fees.
So what’s the alternative?
The alternative is forgiveness. But is it possible to forgive your ex when they’ve hurt you so badly?
Forgiveness may seem like that last thing on your mind when you’re smarting so badly but here are 5 good reasons why you should consider it.
1. Forgiveness is for YOUR benefit, NOT for the benefit of your ex.
You’re not doing it for them. In fact you don’t even need to tell your ex they’re forgiven if you don’t want to. Your bitterness has no real impact on them but it has a huge impact on you and your life. Remember the saying “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. Forgiving is letting go of that anger.
2. Forgiving does not mean that you are forgetting what happened or condoning their bad behavior.
It just means that you are making peace with what has happened so that you can put the past behind you and move on. It’s not about letting them off the hook for what they did but about freeing yourself from the negative energy that is binding you and keeping you stuck.
3. Forgiveness helps you turn the corner on feeling victimized by your ex or controlled by the situation.
It allows you to reclaim your power so that you get your life and your well-being back. It enables you to focus on you and what you need. When you spend time focusing on you and not on what happened you can release all those difficult emotions, such as blame, anger and grief allowing yourself to heal and move on.
4. Anger and resentment are toxic to you and everyone around you.
No matter how justified or right you feel, conflict is not in anyone’s best interest. Anger and resentment are damaging to your health and your happiness. A recent study in America showed that 65% of cancer patients were angry and resentful about something that had happened in their life and could not forgive. And one of the most damaging aspects of divorce for children is being exposed to ongoing conflict and/or being placed in the middle of it.
5. The pleasure of getting even is short-lived.
Don’t try to get even. Rise above. The best revenge is a happy life. You can’t have a tug of war if you refuse to pick up the rope. Become so engulfed in your own happiness that you find it easy to let go of what happened. Many people come to realize after a period of healing that their break up was the best thing that ever happened to them. Focus on the future instead of on the past and you will move forward.
If the idea of forgiveness seems impossible to you then why not consider some professional help. A counsellor or divorce coach will help you work through things, so you can let go of anger and find happiness and peace of mind.
Written by Tina Hetherington. Divorce Coach. Visit survivingdivorce.co.uk for further information.
PHOTO CREDIT: NEIL CROSBY |
