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How Do You Cope When An Ex Has A New Partner? |
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Once a relationship or marriage breaks up it is only a matter of time before one or both of you will have new partners and regardless of how much you claim to hate your ex, hearing about them having a new partner will hit you in the gut.
The hardest bit will be to acknowledge how you really feel about this. As a society we often become bothered by other people’s opinions of us so you may feel the urge to tell anyone who will listen that you are ‘not bothered’. Deep down you will be bothered and that is completely ok. Acknowledging how you really feel will get you to a state of not being bothered or less bothered more quickly. Avoidance will only prolong the pain.
When you have been married to someone or in a long-term relationship you will have shared a significant amount of physical and emotional intimacy with that person. Knowing that they will now be developing that level of connectedness with another person can make you feel someone exposed. ‘What are they saying to their new partner about me?’ ‘How do I compare sexuality?’ ‘Is she slimmer than me etc?’ It can regularly be a trigger to develop or perpetuate any negative self-talk or self-destructive behaviour.
The ending of a relationship does not signify a failure on your part, or that the new partner is better than you. Relationships break up for a variety of reasons and is the result of two people no longer being right for each other. That doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you or that you will never be right for anyone, it just means that you and your ex weren’t right for each other.
Often when one person has met a new partner, it can also feel like being left behind and this can cause some competitive behaviour like trying to get into a relationship with anyone who shows an interest. Often these relationships are never right either because they were formed for the wrong reasons. This can then further create a self-fulfilling prophecy if that relationship does not yield the ‘happily ever after scenario.’
It is also hard if the relationship ended due to some action on their part i.e. them being abusive or cheating on you. You may feel a sense of injustice in the sense of ‘after all the things they have done to me, they get to go off and be happy.’ These feelings of anger can be the catalyst for revenge tactics or trying to belittle the new partner. Trying to sabotage your ex’s new relationship will never play out well and you will end up looking like the bad guy regardless of what went on before. No matter how much it hurts, hold your head up high and retain your dignity.
At this point you are probably wondering HOW to sever that connection with your ex and move to a place where their actions no longer have an impact on you. This always boils down to having a good relationship with yourself. Make a list of qualities that you would like from a partner i.e. love, trust, honesty, respect. Then apply that to how you treat yourself. Is having a one night stand you loving and respecting yourself? Use this as your litmus test for the decisions you are making.
Making a change in your life like starting a new hobby, visiting new places, learning some new skills is great way to help you move forward. If you continue your weekly routines the same as when in the relationship then when it ends you will feel a gap in your life. Filling that gap with something positive and stimulating will provide you with something else to focus on. When you are doing interesting and exciting things, what your ex is up to and who they are dating will become less significant in your life.
Try our Beautiful Souls retreats to help you nurture your heart. We offer weekend and 1-day retreats specifically designed to help people find the right balance, heal from heartbreak or find direction in their lives. For more information and dates visit www.northhosuecoaching.com/retreat
PHOTO CREDIT: NICOLAS RAYMOND
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