A divorce or break up can be a frightening and debilitating event in anyone’s life, if they let it take hold. As a heartbreak coach, I often see women who are going through the process, having completely lost all sense of self, who are riddled with fear, self doubt and confusion.
Through coaching my clients and having experienced this myself I have come the conclusion that this is actually a normal way to be when your identity has been wrapped up in a relationship and even more so, when you have sought validation for who you are through another human being.
Lack of self-worth is directly linked to how much outside appreciation you need from others. The more you need validation from the outside, the lower your self-esteem. The other theme that often appears is financial.
As you may have already experienced, if the financial power has always been in the hands of your ex, facing taking
control of your own finances and having to cope on your own may feel completely paralyzing when faced with this for the first time. And yet this is normal too. Doing something for the first time and walking into the unknown can be very scary.
The question is, how do you walk into your future with confidence and mojo?
How do you get your sexy back in the sun?
Below are 5 ways that you can do this.
1 Know that when you feel crappy, you think you are feeling something other than your thinking. You are not broken, you are not the problem.
The challenge arises when you think you are. You see, in any given moment when you think you are the problem and you don’t feel so good about yourself, just remember, you think you are feeling something other than your thinking. The truth is that you are always feeling your thinking and based on the fact that our thoughts are made up anyway, just remember that when you feel bad, its just your body letting you know that you have ‘off the grid’ thinking!
2 Allow yourself some pampering time
It’s important to find your own validation within. To know that you are enough is the biggest gift you can ever give yourself. And sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. Why not do
something nice for yourself now, versus waiting for someone else to take care of you? Life only ever works from the inside out. You cannot expect someone to validate you and take care of you, if you cannot do it yourself. Why wait? When you can start now?
3 Get professional help
I often see women who decide that they need no guidance and that they can do it on their own. Of course you can do this, and even though you may feel that you don’t deserve to spend the money on yourself, this is exactly the step you need to take to start getting your confidence back. The first step in doing something for you is always the most difficult, however, just like when you learned to ride a bike, you had to get on day after day until it become comfortable, until it was part of your comfort zone. The first step is always the most challenging and yet the most satisfying as it opens up a world of possibility for you.
4 Feel the fear and do it anyway
When ever I have felt the fear of doing something, I now take it on as a personal promise, that I will do that one thing that scares me. For example, in the past I have had an enormous fear of flying, knowing this I decided to book myself on a heli-skiing holiday, which meant spending 3 hours of the day flying in a helicopter! Was it scary? Of course it was! However, what I now know is this – at any time I feel the fear, I jump. Because I know that fear is firstly just an illusion of the worst thing that could possibly happen, which hasn’t yet. Secondly, I know that when fear shows up, I know that I have activated my reptilian brain – whose job is to keep me safe. And finally when I feel fear, I now know that I am just feeling my thinking that in the end is just something I made up anyhow. Action in spite of fear is courage, which will grow your space of what is possible, which will directly boost your sense of self.
5 Start listening to your innate wisdom
Feeling lost and questioning who you are and whether you are worthy or not, can mask you from accessing the very thing that can empower you from the inside out. When your mind is busy and full of thought, listening to your innate wisdom can be very hard. Knowing that you can listen to that very wise voice deep from within that guides you, is extremely empowering, however sometimes it’s not enough to just know it. It’s important to experience as this will sky rocket your sense of worth. Set aside some time to still yourself to listen, so that you can hear what your soul voice wishes to express. You are the one that you have been waiting for, and even though right now you may not feel it, this is the truth.
PHOTO: KRIS KRUG
