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Can you really divorce as friends? I mean really? |
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How is it possible when one or the other of you has been unfaithful, gambled all the money away, never kept their word, lied, been deceitful or abusive in some way, and a myriad of other reasons people have for divorcing, that being friends after such emotional turmoil is ever going to happen?
You may not like hearing this, but it is possible and, actually, even if you don’t become bosom buddies, it’s vital that you do ‘make friends’ at least with the completion of your relationship. The reason? So you are able to move forward in your own life with peace on the inside.
Lets take this step-by-step. We’ll get to the ‘being friends with your ex’ a bit later, but firstly lets lay some solid foundations here.
Firstly, it’s about making friends with ‘what is’ rather than wasting your precious energy on ‘what isn’t’. From here, all kinds of other possibilities can, and often do, happen.
Google ‘divorcing as friends’ and you’ll find lots of glib methods. But for me, having been where you are now, as well as working with hundreds of couples over the past 15 years going through separation and divorce, the bottom line is deciding where to expend your personal energy in return for good feelings in your body, mind and soul.
For example, you may be completely justified in your complaints about your ex partner. Yes they did do this. They didn’t do that and they most certainly did the other! You have proof and evidence and, therefore, right on your side!
So lets do something. Just for a moment, think of a time when you felt all the above and perhaps more. In fact think about some specific occasions when he or she did or said whatever it was that upset you most. Take your time.
Ok, got one?
Now think of a time that made you so upset and angry. Now think of another one. How do you feel now? On a scale of 1-10, if 1 was completely peaceful and 10 was off the scale of indignation, where are you now?
Can you imagine making peace and being ‘friends’ with the end of your relationship from that place? Of course not! With venom and righteousness running through your veins, all that you can imagine is more irritation and upset about the end of your relationship. Can you imagine being friends with your ex from this place? Definitely not! The thoughts keep playing over and over again through your mind until just the sight of your ex is enough to tip you over the edge.
This cycle of ‘conflict maintenance’ is like a ping-pong volley. Both people are justified, both are hurt and both continue to try and make the other feel the pain they are feeling. However if one person puts down their bat the game is over. The other person is left to deal with his or her own hurt without it being escalated by the other buying back into the conflict. And once you accept that the other is no longer ‘playing’, in fact they are off living their lives regardless of your ‘good opinion’ of them, then if you are the one with the bat still in your hand you can either knock yourself out with it, or lay it down too.
The fact is that this person you resent so much has their own way of seeing life and behaving from that viewpoint. Like you, their skills, abilities and resources limits their viewpoint. If they could have acted any differently they would have done. How do we know they couldn’t, because they didn’t!
So what now?
Well you move forward or you stay stuck. How about testing the moving forward idea?
The strategy for making friends with the end of the relationship is similar to the strategy for re-making friends with your ex. One facilitates the other. Here’s how the strategy is created.
Ask yourself:
1. Are you willing to accept that given who your ex was during your relationship and who you were, both of you had no idea how to get your needs met by each other? We know you didn’t have any idea because your needs didn’t get met. If they had of been met, you guys would still be together. If you cannot accept this fact, then you are still busy making yourself right and the other person wrong. This keeps you stuck in the cycle of conflict with them as well as in your own mind and eliminates any hope of peace in your own life.
2. Lets say you can accept the above. Are you now willing to work on uncovering the underlying wound that your ex triggered in you when they behaved the way they did? Will you commit to working on this with someone like me, to uncover your underlying wound?
3. If you work on your underlying wound and discover what all your upsets are really about, then doesn’t it make sense that your partner might have his or her own wounds that also got triggered, inadvertently, by you or by situations in their lives whilst they were with you?
4. If you can get that you both got yourself into this cycle of conflict and upset unwittingly, unknowingly and unconsciously, do you think it might be possible to begin to forgive yourself for your reactions and your partner for his or her reactions, given the wound they were carrying with them?
5. What do you think are the benefits of forgiving yourself and your ex partner for something you or they simply couldn’t do anything to change at the time? What do you think it would give you on the inside to discover that both of you retriggered each other’s upsets without any intention of ever doing so? Its not like you or they woke up each morning and said to themselves, ‘now how can I best hurt my wife or my husband or my partner? I know I’ll do this and that!’ No one ever wakes up saying that. All the pain we cause each other is as a result of the hurt we are feeling ourselves. Sometimes the hurt seems like it’s out of proportion in comparison to how the other is behaving but that’s just a judgement. It depends on how deep the wound is and how long the person has held on to it and tried to stop themselves from feeling the pain of it. But once you understand this truth here’s what happens. There is no blame anymore. There is no resentment any more. There is no bitterness anymore. The understanding of what unconsciously happened in your relationship becomes conscious and it’s much harder to hold on to, and keep replaying, old conflicts. They simply don’t make sense in the light of self and other understanding.
6. However thin you slice anything there is always two sides. Taking responsibility for your own part allows you to let the relationship go so you can make friends with its completion instead of resisting it and fighting against it with shoulds and shouldnts. You begin to see the end of the relationship as inevitable given the way you guys operated within it. You begin to let it go and begin to accept and appreciate yourself for your vulnerability and the way you tried hard to survive. Then you find you can begin to accept and appreciate that your ex is no different to you.
7. The start of being able to be in the same room, speak on the phone, share family events begins to build slowly. Gradually over time you will find a natural way of being with your ex that is not forced but is accepting. Acceptance can lead to wonderful moments of peace together and even a gratitude for the good things you once had and who knows where your ‘friendship’ can go from there. The day you see a human being walk into the room in place of your ‘ex’ is the day that peace comes home to stay.
So, is it possible to be friends with your ex? You tell me! I’m Francine Kaye. I do this stuff for a living. I help couples and individuals find peace on the inside whether they stay together or live apart. If this is what you want, then get in touch and we’ll arrange a chat.
Francine Kaye is the UK's Leading Relationship Expert. Email Francine@francinekaye.com
PHOTO CREDIT: LINDSEY BEARD
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