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3 ways to prepare yourself for divorce |
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No-one enters a marriage expecting to get divorced – but it’s a sad fact that 42% of first marriages in the UK end in divorce, and the figure is even higher for second marriages. Divorce can be painful and challenging and is often described as the second most traumatic event you can go through in life. So what can you do to prepare yourself?
Get your break-up support team in place
Make sure you have a strong break up support team in place, to help you with every area of your split. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, and surround yourself with people who make you feel better and help you focus on moving forward positively. Your break up support team might include:
• Friends and family – they can be lifelines at such a challenging time, but it is important to choose your confidantes wisely. Avoid those who leave you feeling drained or tired, and identify those who help you to feel better, who listen and who want to help without judgment. Beware sharing your innermost fears with the friend who loves to gossip, or just loves drama. Be aware too that your friends and family may feel angry or upset by your split - that offer of help cutting up all your ex’s clothes may not be as helpful as it might seem. Be cautious of the friends who try to tell you what they would do if they were you – they aren’t you, and they aren’t in your shoes
• A legal adviser – shop around to find a lawyer who feels like a good fit for you. Get recommendations and take your time. Many lawyers offer a free half hour introductory session during which you can get a feel for how they work.
• A financial adviser – financial decisions that you make now may have long lasting effects for your future, so choose one that you trust and like, and who comes recommended. Some financial advisers specialise in helping people going through divorce, so research and find the best fit for you.
• A coach/therapist – someone who will listen, and give you impartial, non-judgemental advice and guidance to help you to move forward positively.
Get clarity on the things that scare you
When you are going through a divorce, life can feel scary, confusing and overwhelming. It is normal to feel frightened and nervous, and afraid of what the future might hold. Tempting as it might be, don’t stick your head in the sand about the things that scare you. Instead, get clarity around your fears. Even if you don’t like what you find out, you will reduce the feeling of overwhelm, and you will be able to make better, well informed decisions.
For example, if your future financial position is uncertain and worrying you, work out your income and budget or ask a financial adviser to help you. Even if the picture isn’t as you would wish, at least you are no longer in the scary position of not knowing. Once you are aware of any shortfall you can work with the facts, not the “what ifs”, and start to plan how you could fill the gap or change and prioritise your spending.
Or if you are scared by the prospect of spending weekends on your own while your children are with their other parent, ask yourself who you know who deals with this well. Talk to them and ask them how they spend their time when the children are away.
Find out all you can and remember that you don’t have to solve everything right now. Break things into chunks, with the help of your support team. Many baby steps taken over time add up to great leaps forward.
Look after yourself and take control of your thoughts and emotions
You are the most important person in your life, and you have the remote control to your brain! Focus on what you can control, rather than wasting valuable time worrying about things that you can’t change or control. Whilst you can’t control your ex, you can always control yourself, your own focus, thoughts, feelings and actions.
For example, torturing yourself by looking at what your ex is doing on Facebook or Twitter can make you feel really miserable. Take a break from social media. Unfriend, unfollow, block, ask your friends not to talk to you about what your ex is up to. Instead, shift your focus onto yourself, and looking after you. Try the tips below and see what happens.
Instead of asking why, ask yourself more empowering questions – what can I do right now to make this just a little bit better? Who could help me with this? If there was one tiny, good thing about this situation, what would it be? What can I do now that I couldn’t do before?
Take off the rose-tinted glasses, and remind yourself of the things that used to frustrate, irritate or annoy you about your ex. You no longer need to put up with those things!
Every time you talk about your ex, or tell the story, you are reconnecting with the negative emotions, and you will feel them all over again. Your brain doesn’t know the difference between memory and imagination, so challenge yourself to talk about your ex less, and see if you can think of a new way to tell your story in a way that means you can feel better about it.
I always say to my clients that it isn’t what happens to you that makes the difference – it’s what you do with what happens to you. At no time in my life has this belief made more difference to me than during my divorce. Ask for help, get clarity, and focus on YOU, so that you are in the best position you can be to meet the challenges ahead.
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